Broken

I sit here in frustration. I want to lose weight, but not bad enough to seriously do it. I want to go back to work, but I want to lose weight first. Then I wonder if I seriously don't work at my weight so I don't reach my goal of going back to work. My life changed when I had my hysterectomy. In some ways for the better, after all I get to PMS (bad part) but I don't deal with the bleeding (TMI I know but the silver lining to the PMS). I want to be a positive person who really see's life in happy ways but I find that nagging realist (aka conspiracy theorist) constantly fighting my trying to change myself for the better. Things that I lived for (aka sex) are completely and thoroughly and after thought. Which is good for me, because in my house we were the opposite, I was the one constantly requesting what my hubby was too tired for. I started to think I was weird, now that I never give it a second thought I find the roles have flipped and I keep telling him what needs to happen for me to be in the right frame of mind. But often sleep is all that happens. I'm just putting my thoughts out here because they swirl around in my head and I keep thinking that I'm broken and it seems as though no one is willing to help fix me. I know ultimately I have to fix me, or that time will adjust things in me to where they need to be. Sad thing is I feel as though I completely lost my patience, which I wasn't great at before, but I was far better than I am now. Okay I'm done talking to the world wide web now, silly really because in the end I'm just talking to myself in open forum. LOL